I often wonder at times what is it about me that I can't shake. I seem to hear the same thing all the time.
"You always see a scenerio on you head, and you're so convienced that's how it's gonna play out."
"You don't listen and you take things out of proportion."
"You have to learn to just say okay."
Why? Why is it I have to learn to just say okay. What if I'm not always wrong?
I mean, I will admit. I am very passionate about everything in life. I tend to feel things more than I actually think, according to statistics. I've always been living life by going with the motions of my heart. It seems to be what's most real to me. It always seems what's most truthful. At times, my feelings tend to cloud my judgement. But most times my feelings prove rather more rational than my brain. You know they say actions speak much louder than words ever can. So I tend to try not to say much.
But at times people confuse that with shyness, being bashful, or maybe at times humbleness. And though I'd like to think I'm humble, I just feel like I'm not really that great of a conversationalist. Most often at times, I hardly understand myself. I mean, I know what I wanna say at times...but I have a hard time expressing it. Mostly because I don't know how to say it. So I often at times just try to show it...but even then my actions seem to be misconstruded.
So I don't really like to talk. But when I feel like I have something to say, I'll say it. It's just been bumpy for me to do so for these past few years. The frustration of my intentions not being caught on has angered me to the point I just say forget it. I don't try to come off as having a negative attitude all the time. But my thing is I'm the only one content with having an positive as well as a negative attitude.
I'm so content on both because I know both exist. Positive things happen in the world. So does negative. Naturally, I want one more than I want the other. But that's life. Life's not fair. Life isn't supposed to be, and I'm content with that. And that seems to bother people. But why?
When it was just years ago, I used to be bullied both physically and emotionally. Back in those days, I was always taught to be kind and do you. But that's when I learned my limits, and I lashed out. No good came from my release in my temper. I was made out to be the bad guy. People thought I was crazy.
People say I take things out of proportion. I like to think that I take nothing to chance. Because any and everything can happen. Most of my life that I've known this fact, it has happened. See, people don't see my point of view on things until it's too late. Yet when I try to tell people my thoughts and my view on things people don't want to listen. So I just say forget it. I could fight it off. But fighting only drains me to a point where I just do not care anymore.
My soul's hurting. I feel sick with each day. I don't mean a common cold, or a fever or a flu. Not even a terminal illness. I'm talking my body is personally feeling drained with each day. Long searching for my Victory.
I just need that major win in my life. That's all I want. I'm commonly misunderstood because I don't go about the traditional way of achieving my goals. Hell, the traditional way was never meant for me. I have to find my own way.
