My Only Prayer

I'm just gonna keep it short and simple.

I just want my son.

No metaphors. No deep meanings. No wondering. I want this child in Rahel Cohran's stomach to be my son. I want Ryan to be mine.

So that any and all naysayers can just stop. I just want my song to please be born so he can save me.

Ryan, with every good thing that happens to me now. I see your face. Every minor blessing I've come across, you are the reason for it. So I ask you for the one blessing of arriving so that I can pay you back, little one.

I love you. And despite this crazy madness between me and your mother, I love her too. Longing for the old days, but looking forward to the new ones.

Love you little man.

Epiphany: Can this change?

I often wonder at times what is it about me that I can't shake. I seem to hear the same thing all the time.



"You always see a scenerio on you head, and you're so convienced that's how it's gonna play out."

"You don't listen and you take things out of proportion."

"You have to learn to just say okay."

Why? Why is it I have to learn to just say okay. What if I'm not always wrong?





I mean, I will admit. I am very passionate about everything in life. I tend to feel things more than I actually think, according to statistics. I've always been living life by going with the motions of my heart. It seems to be what's most real to me. It always seems what's most truthful. At times, my feelings tend to cloud my judgement. But most times my feelings prove rather more rational than my brain. You know they say actions speak much louder than words ever can. So I tend to try not to say much.

But at times people confuse that with shyness, being bashful, or maybe at times humbleness. And though I'd like to think I'm humble, I just feel like I'm not really that great of a conversationalist. Most often at times, I hardly understand myself. I mean, I know what I wanna say at times...but I have a hard time expressing it. Mostly because I don't know how to say it. So I often at times just try to show it...but even then my actions seem to be misconstruded.

So I don't really like to talk. But when I feel like I have something to say, I'll say it. It's just been bumpy for me to do so for these past few years. The frustration of my intentions not being caught on has angered me to the point I just say forget it. I don't try to come off as having a negative attitude all the time. But my thing is I'm the only one content with having an positive as well as a negative attitude.

I'm so content on both because I know both exist. Positive things happen in the world. So does negative. Naturally, I want one more than I want the other. But that's life. Life's not fair. Life isn't supposed to be, and I'm content with that. And that seems to bother people. But why?

When it was just years ago, I used to be bullied both physically and emotionally. Back in those days, I was always taught to be kind and do you. But that's when I learned my limits, and I lashed out. No good came from my release in my temper. I was made out to be the bad guy. People thought I was crazy.

People say I take things out of proportion. I like to think that I take nothing to chance. Because any and everything can happen. Most of my life that I've known this fact, it has happened. See, people don't see my point of view on things until it's too late. Yet when I try to tell people my thoughts and my view on things people don't want to listen. So I just say forget it. I could fight it off. But fighting only drains me to a point where I just do not care anymore.

My soul's hurting. I feel sick with each day. I don't mean a common cold, or a fever or a flu. Not even a terminal illness. I'm talking my body is personally feeling drained with each day. Long searching for my Victory.

I just need that major win in my life. That's all I want. I'm commonly misunderstood because I don't go about the traditional way of achieving my goals. Hell, the traditional way was never meant for me. I have to find my own way.

A blast from the past: My Life's Compatibilty

I figure I post this b4 this it got erased.







Aries and Cancer

When Aries and Cancer come together in a love affair, it's a case of opposites attracting. Aries is rash and brash while Cancer is sensitive and emotional. Aries can certainly be emotional -- in a fiery, impetuous way that can completely overwhelm Cancer. Even though Cancer usually likes to take time with relationships, Aries's whirlwind approach can be extremely stimulating. Aries, on the other hand, may find the Cancerian sensitivity appealing; it's a good balance for the typical Aries bluntness. Troubles may arise if Cancer's mood swings or Aries's aggression becomes hurtful. Both Signs must take time to listen to their partner's needs and understand that they're coming from different directions to meet a common goal.

Cancer is the Sign of Home while Aries is the Sign of Self. One great dynamic between these two is that both Signs are extremely protective of those they love. Cancer uses that Crab shell to draw around themselves and their family and mate when trouble is near, while the Ram uses their strength and bravery, like a knight in shining armor. Cancer also provides Aries with a happy domestic life and emotional security. Sometimes they might build an idealized image of their Aries partner or be overly possessive, which can really grate on independent Aries. However, Aries can help by reassuring their Cancer partner that they are loved and cherished. Aries really needs to learn to listen to Cancer: the Crab operates on an instinctive level and their advice can help Aries avoid making silly mistakes caused by that typical Aries lack of planning.

Aries is ruled by the Planet Mars and Cancer is ruled by the emotional Moon. Mars was the God of War, and Aries is a soldier meeting every challenge head-on. Aries's open, passionate nature appeals to Cancer, who often internalizes emotions and feelings. Cancer can have intense, feminine energy and Aries can help them learn to release it. The Moon controls tides of the Earth, quietly affecting all life; similarly, Cancer works behind the scenes (while Aries rushes into battle). Cancer tends to be sentimental and can teach Aries to slow down and appreciate life instead of always rushing on to the next thing



Aries is a Fire Sign and Cancer is a Water Sign. These two elements can be a great combination if they work together, using both emotion and action to get things done. Cancer can help Aries slow down and learn to be gentle, while Aries teaches Cancer to come out of their shells. But Cancer can be emotionally manipulative -- sometimes there's just too much Water dampening Aries's enthusiasm. Conversely, too much Fire can cause Water to evaporate, leaving Cancer emotionally raw. Aries and Cancer must talk openly and freely to ensure their balance is maintained.

Aries and Cancer are both Cardinal Signs. Both Signs are initiators, but they have to learn to cooperate. On the surface, Aries is the leader, always rushing out to meet a challenge, but Cancer is also indirectly in charge through emotional control and the ability to weigh the situation. Cancer tends to compromise more easily while Aries can be unwilling to yield, so the Crab may have to accept giving in.

What's the best aspect of the Aries-Cancer relationship? Once they realize they're on the same team, the combination of Fire and Water works well together. Aries is out there getting attention and Cancer is quietly supporting the back end. Each partner's ability to provide what the other is lacking makes theirs an equal relationship.


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This is My Song: (My Mood for today)

My Song (2006 Digital Remaster) - Labi Siffre

Peep the words:

This is my song
And no one can take it away
It's been so long, but now you're here,
here to stay
And I wonder if you know what it means
To find your dreams come true

This is my song
And no one can make it a lie
It's been so long since someone
Could make me cry
And I wonder if you know what it means
To laugh as tears go by

I may not always sing in tune
And sometimes you don't hear me
But you don't have to be near me
To know that I'm singing

This is my song
And nothing can make it die
It's been so long and it's stronger
I know why
And I wonder if you really, really know
That as long as I live I will sing my song for you

(Labi Siffre-"My Song") sampled by Kanye West "I Wonder" (Graduation) 2007

Wise Words of the Year

love isnt something that's supposed to be left alone. it needs to grow and fester inside people for some time...kind of like anger..only reversed and in a good way....so that way when it explodes...it does so with the right person...

and people know...

you know when it's love and when it's just...what it is.


-Danielle Vance :-)

She's a smart girl.

1+1=.....well you know....

So as I sit here....and I plot on how my days gon' get better, so many memories come to my mine. And only one result comes to mine. It's a bit bittersweet.




I can recall a time where it was lovely when I met you. I recall that time cause I wanna rewind time and go back...I can't get you outta my mind. I want you to leave alone cause you killing me. Like this no good treatment I'm getting....it hurts. Normally, it wouldn't be so bad...but it's one element that tends to mix things up.



If I wanted to seperate from you....I can't. Thanx to this...this beautiful life being brought into this world....I can't get away from you. It's not even that I want to...but you pushing me to hate you sooooo much. The bullshit, the evil treatment, the spitefulness, everything.

I wanna go back to times like the pic below. Where everything was great...it was a beautiful bridge being built. A few kinks...the kinks grew...but yet and still we conquered. I can't say nothing else except I'm hurting. The thing is you realize I'm hurting...and that's fucked up cause all I've done was try to grow as a man and be better for the baby and you.




If you ever see this, I hope you get a feeling of what I'm feeling. Cause this is just wrong. This whole situation is wrong. But yet and still, I'm willing to let everything go. I'm willing to wipe the slate clean. Cause the reality is, there's no other way. This is our child. And I'm gonna bring him up into a family oriented home.

I'm rambling on cause at this moment, I can't find anything to do to get this outta my mind.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

IMMA MONSTA VIDEO

Since I'm posting music videos...might as well post mine! lmao