ANTHONY'S RANTS AND RAVES

My Only Prayer

2009-09-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

I'm just gonna keep it short and simple.

I just want my son.

No metaphors. No deep meanings. No wondering. I want this child in Rahel Cohran's stomach to be my son. I want Ryan to be mine.

So that any and all naysayers can just stop. I just want my song to please be born so he can save me.

Ryan, with every good thing that happens to me now. I see your face. Every minor blessing I've come across, you are the reason for it. So I ask you for the one blessing of arriving so that I can pay you back, little one.

I love you. And despite this crazy madness between me and your mother, I love her too. Longing for the old days, but looking forward to the new ones.

Love you little man.

Epiphany: Can this change?

2009-09-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

I often wonder at times what is it about me that I can't shake. I seem to hear the same thing all the time.

"You always see a scenerio on you head, and you're so convienced that's how it's gonna play out."

"You don't listen and you take things out of proportion."

"You have to learn to just say okay."

Why? Why is it I have to learn to just say okay. What if I'm not always wrong?

I mean, I will admit. I am very passionate about everything in life. I tend to feel things more than I actually think, according to statistics. I've always been living life by going with the motions of my heart. It seems to be what's most real to me. It always seems what's most truthful. At times, my feelings tend to cloud my judgement. But most times my feelings prove rather more rational than my brain. You know they say actions speak much louder than words ever can. So I tend to try not to say much.

But at times people confuse that with shyness, being bashful, or maybe at times humbleness. And though I'd like to think I'm humble, I just feel like I'm not really that great of a conversationalist. Most often at times, I hardly understand myself. I mean, I know what I wanna say at times...but I have a hard time expressing it. Mostly because I don't know how to say it. So I often at times just try to show it...but even then my actions seem to be misconstruded.

So I don't really like to talk. But when I feel like I have something to say, I'll say it. It's just been bumpy for me to do so for these past few years. The frustration of my intentions not being caught on has angered me to the point I just say forget it. I don't try to come off as having a negative attitude all the time. But my thing is I'm the only one content with having an positive as well as a negative attitude.

I'm so content on both because I know both exist. Positive things happen in the world. So does negative. Naturally, I want one more than I want the other. But that's life. Life's not fair. Life isn't supposed to be, and I'm content with that. And that seems to bother people. But why?

When it was just years ago, I used to be bullied both physically and emotionally. Back in those days, I was always taught to be kind and do you. But that's when I learned my limits, and I lashed out. No good came from my release in my temper. I was made out to be the bad guy. People thought I was crazy.

People say I take things out of proportion. I like to think that I take nothing to chance. Because any and everything can happen. Most of my life that I've known this fact, it has happened. See, people don't see my point of view on things until it's too late. Yet when I try to tell people my thoughts and my view on things people don't want to listen. So I just say forget it. I could fight it off. But fighting only drains me to a point where I just do not care anymore.

My soul's hurting. I feel sick with each day. I don't mean a common cold, or a fever or a flu. Not even a terminal illness. I'm talking my body is personally feeling drained with each day. Long searching for my Victory.

I just need that major win in my life. That's all I want. I'm commonly misunderstood because I don't go about the traditional way of achieving my goals. Hell, the traditional way was never meant for me. I have to find my own way.

A blast from the past: My Life's Compatibilty

2009-08-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

I figure I post this b4 this it got erased.

Aries and Cancer

When Aries and Cancer come together in a love affair, it's a case of opposites attracting. Aries is rash and brash while Cancer is sensitive and emotional. Aries can certainly be emotional -- in a fiery, impetuous way that can completely overwhelm Cancer. Even though Cancer usually likes to take time with relationships, Aries's whirlwind approach can be extremely stimulating. Aries, on the other hand, may find the Cancerian sensitivity appealing; it's a good balance for the typical Aries bluntness. Troubles may arise if Cancer's mood swings or Aries's aggression becomes hurtful. Both Signs must take time to listen to their partner's needs and understand that they're coming from different directions to meet a common goal.

Cancer is the Sign of Home while Aries is the Sign of Self. One great dynamic between these two is that both Signs are extremely protective of those they love. Cancer uses that Crab shell to draw around themselves and their family and mate when trouble is near, while the Ram uses their strength and bravery, like a knight in shining armor. Cancer also provides Aries with a happy domestic life and emotional security. Sometimes they might build an idealized image of their Aries partner or be overly possessive, which can really grate on independent Aries. However, Aries can help by reassuring their Cancer partner that they are loved and cherished. Aries really needs to learn to listen to Cancer: the Crab operates on an instinctive level and their advice can help Aries avoid making silly mistakes caused by that typical Aries lack of planning.

Aries is ruled by the Planet Mars and Cancer is ruled by the emotional Moon. Mars was the God of War, and Aries is a soldier meeting every challenge head-on. Aries's open, passionate nature appeals to Cancer, who often internalizes emotions and feelings. Cancer can have intense, feminine energy and Aries can help them learn to release it. The Moon controls tides of the Earth, quietly affecting all life; similarly, Cancer works behind the scenes (while Aries rushes into battle). Cancer tends to be sentimental and can teach Aries to slow down and appreciate life instead of always rushing on to the next thing

Aries is a Fire Sign and Cancer is a Water Sign. These two elements can be a great combination if they work together, using both emotion and action to get things done. Cancer can help Aries slow down and learn to be gentle, while Aries teaches Cancer to come out of their shells. But Cancer can be emotionally manipulative -- sometimes there's just too much Water dampening Aries's enthusiasm. Conversely, too much Fire can cause Water to evaporate, leaving Cancer emotionally raw. Aries and Cancer must talk openly and freely to ensure their balance is maintained.

Aries and Cancer are both Cardinal Signs. Both Signs are initiators, but they have to learn to cooperate. On the surface, Aries is the leader, always rushing out to meet a challenge, but Cancer is also indirectly in charge through emotional control and the ability to weigh the situation. Cancer tends to compromise more easily while Aries can be unwilling to yield, so the Crab may have to accept giving in.

What's the best aspect of the Aries-Cancer relationship? Once they realize they're on the same team, the combination of Fire and Water works well together. Aries is out there getting attention and Cancer is quietly supporting the back end. Each partner's ability to provide what the other is lacking makes theirs an equal relationship.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=48605048&v=info&ref=profile#/note.php?note_id=18667225628

This is My Song: (My Mood for today)

2009-08-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

My Song (2006 Digital Remaster) - Labi Siffre

Peep the words:

This is my song
And no one can take it away
It's been so long, but now you're here,
here to stay
And I wonder if you know what it means
To find your dreams come true

This is my song
And no one can make it a lie
It's been so long since someone
Could make me cry
And I wonder if you know what it means
To laugh as tears go by

I may not always sing in tune
And sometimes you don't hear me
But you don't have to be near me
To know that I'm singing

This is my song
And nothing can make it die
It's been so long and it's stronger
I know why
And I wonder if you really, really know
That as long as I live I will sing my song for you

(Labi Siffre-"My Song") sampled by Kanye West "I Wonder" (Graduation) 2007

Wise Words of the Year

2009-08-19T11:09:00.001-07:00

love isnt something that's supposed to be left alone. it needs to grow and fester inside people for some time...kind of like anger..only reversed and in a good way....so that way when it explodes...it does so with the right person...

and people know...

you know when it's love and when it's just...what it is.

-Danielle Vance :-)

She's a smart girl.

1+1=.....well you know....

2009-08-14T22:36:00.000-07:00

So as I sit here....and I plot on how my days gon' get better, so many memories come to my mine. And only one result comes to mine. It's a bit bittersweet.

I can recall a time where it was lovely when I met you. I recall that time cause I wanna rewind time and go back...I can't get you outta my mind. I want you to leave alone cause you killing me. Like this no good treatment I'm getting....it hurts. Normally, it wouldn't be so bad...but it's one element that tends to mix things up.

If I wanted to seperate from you....I can't. Thanx to this...this beautiful life being brought into this world....I can't get away from you. It's not even that I want to...but you pushing me to hate you sooooo much. The bullshit, the evil treatment, the spitefulness, everything.

I wanna go back to times like the pic below. Where everything was great...it was a beautiful bridge being built. A few kinks...the kinks grew...but yet and still we conquered. I can't say nothing else except I'm hurting. The thing is you realize I'm hurting...and that's fucked up cause all I've done was try to grow as a man and be better for the baby and you.

If you ever see this, I hope you get a feeling of what I'm feeling. Cause this is just wrong. This whole situation is wrong. But yet and still, I'm willing to let everything go. I'm willing to wipe the slate clean. Cause the reality is, there's no other way. This is our child. And I'm gonna bring him up into a family oriented home.

I'm rambling on cause at this moment, I can't find anything to do to get this outta my mind.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

IMMA MONSTA VIDEO

2009-08-13T09:23:00.000-07:00

Since I'm posting music videos...might as well post mine! lmao

Daddy's 1st Words (as written 06/16/2009)

2009-08-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Ryan,

Hey there, little one. Your mommy was going to write this, but I figure I had some things to say. I am your daddy. And you are now my saving grace. That means you have now single handedly become the best thing to ever happen to me.

You were brought into this world by your mother and I. So that says a lot about how special you are. As your father, I promise to do everything in my power to make sure you have a better life than you mother and I could imagine.

I promise to be your best friend when you need me, your discipline when I have to be, overall build you to become the greatest man you're destined to be. And if I were to ever go before you get this, know that I'll always live thru you, because you are my son.

You have your mother's mind, my strength and our heart. We always have your back. We will always love you. I, will always love you.

-Daddy.

(This letter is dedicated to my son. He hasn't arrived yet. 2 more months. I go thru the fire for this boy. I'll go thru more. I love you, Ryan Micheal Ingram.)

PERSONAL RANT

2009-08-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I only have one topic that I been thinking about. This is just a personal tweak that's been in my head. And this is something I been wanting to know about....

Religion.

Yes, Religion. Well, more so of a church attendant. Now me myself, I will admit. I'm not exactly the most devout on church going. Not because there's anything against it. Really there's no reason I don't go like that. I just don't.

Nothing personal or anything. I just feel that I talk to God when I talk to him. I have my own connection with him...or sorts. It's this thing in my head that church is built on a book (bible) derived from all sorts of testimonies from when there was tragedy turned into triumph. It just so happens to be documented and quoted as a verse. I also feel like you're supposed to learn from their testimonies and apply it to your life. I feel like I live out each verse thru my personal experiences in life. I just document them in other ways....I can admit I am not perfect. I sin at times. But I try my best to exercise my choices of what's right and what's wrong. I mostly aim for what's right tho. lol Plus I believe that if God is truely watching over you, and you believe that and try to morally do right and not force yourself to do so, you should be fine.

I like talking to God intimately, not with everybody else around. Not that I can't share God with everyone, but I came into the world alone this to him. And that's how I'm gonna go. So needless to say, I don't have a religion I follow under as of now. I feel like it's too many religions and different points of view, that are basically saying the same thing. There is a higher power, which we ALL can agree on. It just seems like a matter of who's telling their side of the story.

This topic is so delicate that it has been known to start many arguements. Plenty of fights have gone down over this. Hell, in the middle east and other parts of the world...it has started wars. Wars that have lead to many of casualties due to the many beliefs of worship. I do not knock another man/woman's beliefs of religion, but I do not choose to engage in that topic to a point I'm at war. Which maybe why quite frankly, I don't really get along too tough with most "devout" church going people.

While I don't knock many people for going to church (I actually advicate it to those who need to soul search), I am not to fond of those who make judgements towards me and what I believe in. I don't tend to connect with those who happen to force their opinions on me or tend to judge me from the simple I don't exactly follow their beliefs to a tee. I am happy that you are connceted to God. I am glad you have had your revelation. But their are some things I can do without.

I can do without being around those who all of a sudden have a new attitude. You know the type. The ones who are SOOOOOO anxious that they have been "saved" or have "found" themselves, that they suddenly feel the urge to treat you differently. To suddenly "change" on you, and not for the better. Almost as if to make themselves appear as though they are better than you. When just a few days ago, literally, they were just at the club, shaking they asses, drinking it up and partying like it's no tomorrow. Sin and all. Then turn right back around, and make judgment toward you.

You know what's funny? Despite everything, those same folk tend to forget the #1 rule that the Lord has made. "He who without sin cast the 1st stone". Basically meaning nobody is perfect. Nobody's a saint. Everybody is prone to sin and everybody does sin. Everybody makes mistakes. But the thing is, you learn from your mistakes.
You try not to make those mistakes again. You exercise your ability of free will and you try to do right. You know what's right and what's wrong...so just do it. Who are you to say the way I go about my life is wrong? I like to think of myself as a nice guy with a great heart, and I treat others the way I'd like to be treated. What's even crazier, is that I actually accept the fact that I'm not perfect. I have emotions. I feel. I mess up. But I get right back up. I've accepted myself. Can you say the same?

This isn't directed at anybody. But I'm expressing my heavy dislike for those who carry themselves as though they are holier than thou. As though they can do no wrong. Here's a newsflash. You're a human. You were created the same way I was. Through sexual intercourse and God's power. You bleed just like I do. You breath just how I do. (unless you have asthma). But basically we live like regular humans do. So don't knock me for how I choose to live my life. If you don't like me, oh well. But don't you dare put God into it. That's almost as bad as saying his name in vein in my opinion. And that makes you no better than me.

so....UNTIL MY NEXT RANT!! My name is Anthony Ingram Jr. AND i'm SIGNING OUT!!

PSSTTT.....(What I'm thinking...)

2009-07-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

Hey...hey you....The Reader....

Yea, you. Hey, hi, how ya doin'?

Good I hope. Listen, I gotta get this out.

I been holding this in for quite sometime.

Well, maybe somebody knows..but I don't think they'd know enuff to care.

This is probably the only spot I can count on nobody reading it. Or at least giving a shit. Now promise you won't reveal yourself until time calls.

So here's what I'm thinking as of now.

(whispers) I'm missing somebody real tough right now. I say real tough because I think it's a lost cause. It's a lot that goes into it.

She's the mother of my child. (Of course you know how that happens). And b4 I knew about the pregnancy..things were going great. We've argued time and time again..but who hasn't?! So it was all good...and things were headed into a monogomous turn. I was sure to stop my foolishness and call it one. Then I guess the pregnancy got to us. She disappeared on me at a point and time. Then she came back a different woman....

For the good and the bad. She seems more focused. And I love it....but I guess I was the cause of her not to be when she wasn't. So she's moved on without me.

Can't say I blame her. I blame us really. We both hurt each other at some point. Never really resolved it peacefully.

But in all, the fact remains. And I've repeated this over and over, but nobody seems to believe me or wanna encourage for that matter.

Truth is....I'm lonely. Not just any ol' lonely. I'm lonely, without.....her.

And it's funny. Cause with all this ass I could get.....and all these chicks that actually want to fuck me....few girls that actually want me to wife them up...and all this pussy that I could very well be smashing....I'm gonna tell the truth...

I....don't wanna do that shit no more. Like it's getting old to me....

I'm almost bored...with multi-pussy! This single life bores me...but I can't call it quits just yet....not by choice anyway. Because if it were my choice, I'd hang it up now. With the one girl....that one woman....that changed me into a better man.

You know...they say things pertaining to things like this.Every King needs a queen. An Adam to an Eve. With every great man, a great woman is ridin' beside him.

........Sad part is...I lost mine. And it sucks!
How am I to look her in the eye and not feel? How can I hide em' when my child gets here? He's gonna know.

Why does it even have to end? I'll never know I guess. But I sure as hell wish I can just be with her right now. I don't want anyone else.

But I gotta let her go, if I truely love her. I'll still see her regardless, I guess. We stuck whether we like it or not. The crazy part was I'd like that. But even still, I gotta let her go. So now comes the hard part...

So to Rahel Kyira Cohran.......Good Bye.

A Father's Struggle: Emotions...WHAT DA FUCK?!?

2009-07-24T15:06:00.000-07:00

No marriage.

No relationship.

No job.

Baby on the way.

Family drama.

Wrecking brains.

What is he to do?

Get up.

Make moves.

GET ON YA GRIZZY!

You got a family to raise now.

No time to sit around.

No need to feel.

Can't get emotional....

Just dollars..

Save up....

Get ya spot....

Keep ya job...

Let's GOOOOOOO!!!!

Tale of the Tape (One min. Next Min.)

2008-11-25T09:22:00.000-08:00

This is the Tale of the Tape of the Heart.

One min. I wanna be alone. Next, I wanna be with her.

One min.:

It's not right 4 us to be together.
We're too opposite.
She's not ready.
Maybe I'm not ready.
We always fight.
We always hurt.
We're killing each other.

Next Min.:

Nothin' wrong about us being together.
We're one in the same.
She's been built for this.
So have I.
We make up just as quick.
We always heal.
We keep each other alive.

One min.:
I hurt her too much to go back.
Maybe so much so that she's grown tired.
Maybe there's somebody else.
Maybe I honestly blew it this time.

Next min.:
I can fix her hurt, so I can go back.
She said she loved me.
Nobody else but me.
Maybe I there's hope for me after all.

I'm conflicted inside.
Can't choose. It's too delicate.

Damn you "Time". You never make shit easy.

One min. Next min.

The prelude.......

2008-11-10T14:18:00.001-08:00

So before I begin to introduce this blog....

I'd like to say a few words.

They love it when you make your business public. SO FUCK IT!

I am now officially a single man. Why? Because of quotes like this.

"Rahel Says if I wasnt on fb mobile i'd dump u. u non communicating lyin ass nigga. single like kraft cheese. TOO OFFICIAL!" ".....get tht one str8 b4 u do anything. fuck u lil' boy. grow up and thn come see me. u wonder y no one takes u seriously? cuz the sob stories r gettin old. do sumthin useful wit urself nd u talent plz." and various other quotes I won't get into.

But let me take you back to the beginning. Around july or june, I was caught cheating with another woman. Yes, I did the dummy. But since then, I've not only apologized, I've become a better person as far as relationships go. But during that process, trust is lost, questions are asked, and people talk. With all of these factors comes the fights, and the arguements. Now, we're grown. Allegedly. So we talk it out and problems are solved...until those same problems come up again. 'Til one day, I was dumped. And honestly, I saw it coming. Not gonna lie. Just didn't see it happening over facebook. (For those who don't know, Facebook is a website designed for students of any class and employers/employees to connect and network.) Yes, I was DUMPED ONLINE!

So I left her alone. But we're friends (I'm assuming) regardless, with deep, deep feelings for one another, so it was never any difference. After an altercation with a female trying to get @ me and it didn't work.....we got back together. Now it seems we've broken up again.

Reason being: I didn't call her. And I wasn't answering my phone when she did. Why you ask? My phone died. Why did I not find another phone? Honestly, I was being productive and didn't wanna be bothered til' later. Now, I'm in the wrong, I'll admit. But it's not like I won't get back to you and it won't be that long. But I receive an email stating that "until I learn the art of communication, don't call her". .......So I didn't. And I won't. Because a person's word is their bond. I take nothing lightly.

Only to later find up on the same email website, she's been apparently "single like Kraft Cheese, TOO OFFICIAL!". (In case you're wondering the significance of this phrase, she's basically claiming she don't need a man and feeling good about her self because she's fine and this and that and blah blah blah blah!) So don't leave me to stop you from being ms. independent. I'mma leave you alone. And if you single, hell, what does that leave me? I ain't exactly dating 4 two by myself ya know?

I know this sounds messed up to say. Because there were deeper feelings. I did actually see myself marrying her one day. But looking @ it now, and how she is....there's too much I can't deal with that she needs to work out on her own. The fact that you would go as far as to put your personal business about me out there for the internet. I mean, every emotion she feels, it's at least one facebook status change every 5 mins. And since that fateful june/july period, I haven't cheated since. I been str8 up and all about her. Not like I don't care and I don't wanna be with her. But she's too much of a loose cannon. She can be an asshole, obnoxious, loud and inconsiderate. Worse part is, this is her more calmed down since high school. That's not good. She shares business about her and us out there that don't need to be. She's too defensive with everything. She's impulsive as fuck. I can only put up with so much, which is why sometimes I don't pick up my phone to get away from it all. But when I do, I'm guilty for wantin' to be by myself sometimes.

And everytime we'd fight. Shit would happen like blocking my email profiles and untagging me from pics with me and her, you know...dumb shit. Always pickin' fights...it's like DAMN calm da fuck down. I wouldn't mind staying with her...but when you say shit like you single like kraft cheese....you ain't sayin' it for nothin'! So i'mma let you live ya words....all cause i just wanna be alone 4 a sec.

Now watch she reads this and get to talkin' to her peoples about it. Prolly get to tryna treat me on some other shit. No matter tho.....I'mma keep doing what I've been doin'. tryna get on my shit. and Stay on my shit. So I'm not mad. Never was. Never wanted to end it. But when you push my buttons, reprecussions occur. Sorry.

Signing out....

Anthony Diangelo Ingram Jr.